Brief history of my early childhood and teen years

Growing up in a home with alcoholism and dysfunction has taken its toll on my life.  I am beginning to believe that I must be the post mans child.  Both of my parents are still living and have never treated me equally with my other siblings.  As far back as I can remember, when I was about 4 or 5 yo my dad would have my brothers and I fight in the center of the living room as if they were watching a dog fight.  It was a weekly/bi weekly occurrence, looking back I can now see how this was not NORMAL.  

My father cheated on my mother and caused a great amount of distrust within me about men.  The first man in a girls life is her father.    

At 18 I went to a graduation party that my parents told me not to go to.  I went anyway and drank too much alcohol, woke up the next morning in a schoolmates home where he had raped me.  I DID NOT CONSENT, I was in no condition to consent.  When I returned from the party, my father told me to pack my bags and drove me into town where the african americans lived and dropped me off there.  Thankfully, a girl I went to school with offered to take me in so I had a place to stay.  For that I am grateful.  A month later I found out I was pregnant......with this man's child.  I knew my parents would not believe me when I told them I was raped, so I quietly went to a abortion clinic and killed my precious baby.  The regret is enormous, I will never be able to forgive myself.  

I joined the military to get away from home and all the dysfunction.  When I returned home for a visit from the military, the home was a completely different home that I had left.  Almost unrecognizable.  I could tell that I wasn't wanted there, I had been tainted by a black man.  I returned to the service with one goal, to find a husband and have a family.  I did just that.  My first husband was black.  I had two children whom I adore.  

My husband was a cheater and was seeing his old girlfriend while I was home with the children.  When I confronted him about cheating he hit me with a open hand so hard that my face, from the top of my forehead to my neck was black and blue.  My husband was a big man, 6'6 210 lbs.; I was 5'6 102 lbs.  I decided then that I had to get away from this relationship.  So I planned and I planned, fear sometimes overwhelming me to leave the relationship.

One morning, I called my husbands work to make sure he was there.  I ask for him, when he came to the phone and said Hello, I hung the phone up, rushed to pack my children's clothing and my clothing into the car to leave Denver CO.  I knew that if he showed up while I was packing that he would carry out on his threat that he would chop me up into a 1000 pieces and leave me all over the rocky mountains where no one would ever find me.  This instilled a great amount of fear.

So I loaded the car, put my 2 yo daughter and 8 month old son in there car seats to leave Denver and head back home, or near home to WV.  I was driving and about 100 miles out of Denver, my car broke down, so hear I am on the side of the road, with two young children, not knowing what to do....A 18 wheeler pulled up behind me and I was so afraid that I would only roll down the window enough so I could hear him and he could hear me.  The truck driver assured me that he would try to get my car running again. He was not able to fix my car but he told me that he would follow me back towards Denver to the first gas station so I could call home and get some help, I feared going back to Denver, if my husband found me I knew he would carry out his threats and no one would find me.......will be continued.....